Rabid Fundamentalists

Rabies infected dog

Rabies is a horrible viral disease in which  the brain of the victim swells causing horrible symptoms such as headache, acute pain, violent movements, uncontrolled excitement,  and hydrophobia, followed by death.  The rabies virus is transmitted between warm-blooded animals through saliva from a bite, or exposure to the blood or organs of the affected animal.   Rabies almost always results in death.  

How can one avoid rabies you ask?  Well first of all, stay away from rabid animals.  Secondly, shoot to kill rabid animals.  That is pretty much it.  If you hang around rabies infected animals you better get your shots, or you will get their rabies.       

In my experience, there are some fundamentalists who are rabid.  Those rabid fundamentalists love to be identified as rabid fundamentalists.  Rabid fundamentalists tend to covet that title and wear it as a badge of honor, but I find no honor in them or in their they actions. 

Rabid Fundamentalist

Other times a rabid fundamentalist, like a rabies infected dog, does not understand he is rabid.  In either case, neither the infected rabid dog, nor rabid fundamentalist realizes he is sick.  Rabies infected dogs seek to spread their infection to others by biting them.   In much the same way a rabid fundamentalist seeks to infect others with his disease; biting them with their “Old Time Religion” type preaching, or influence, or mentorship, or latest sermon book, or slick words of encouragement to be “rabid, just like me.”

Similarities abound between the rabid dog, and rabid fundamentalist.  Both are vicious, rude, overbearing, intrusive, repulsive, exclusive, and nauseating.  Just like you can spot the infected rabid dog, you can spot the infected rabid fundamentalist.  He just isn’t right, there is something odd about him, he is just…rabid. 

Their symptoms stem from the same cause; a swollen brain.  A swollen brain is a unhealthy brain.  Be careful when dealing with a rabid fundamentalist or you might become infected too.  Watch for the signs.  He is going to foam at the mouth, he is going to have some violent movements, he is going to have uncontrolled excitement, he is going to spread his sickness to you.  Stop encouraging him, stop listening to him, stop amen-ing his foamy rhetoric, stop excusing his violent movements, stop joining in his uncontrolled excitement. 

Recently I heard a couple of stories about rabid fundamentalists.  The esteemed pastor of one church drove by another church on a Sunday evening; just as the evening service was letting out.  He made some quick and, to his rabid swollen mind, correct calculations about what he witnessed.  What did he see?  WOMEN IN PANTS WALKING OUT OF THE HOUSE OF GOD! 


For shame, outrageous, insufferable, liberal!  The rabid fundamentalist engaged the pastor of the liberal leaning church in some lighthearted conversation for a while, then he lowered the boom. 

“I see you have the same problem I used to have brother.” said the rabid fundamentalist.

“What’s that?” asked the liberal pastor.

“Women wearing pants to church” he foamed.

“I let anyone come to my church, in any condition they are in, or in any clothes they are wearing as long as they do not cause a disturbance.”

“So you would let some tattooed drunken freak come to your church?” challenged the rabid preacher.

"Dude, what time is church again? I'm gonna sit in the front row with Bob Uecker"

“As long as they did not cause a disturbance I would afford them an opportunity to hear the gospel and enjoy the service.”

“Well brother I just don’t know about all that, I mean, it seems to me that you ought to dress right and act right and be right in the house of God.  I just don’t think I would allow that kind of thing to go on in my church.”

The supposed liberal preacher stared for a moment at the rabid fundamentalist and said “I find no biblical principal prohibiting a woman from wearing pants friend.  Quite frankly, Jesus said come to me all ye who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest unto your souls.  I’m looking for the weary and heavy laden, and sometimes they show up a little differently than our expectations.”

Here is some unwanted advise for that rabid fundamentalist.  Hey preacher, why don’t you worry about your own ministry and leave others alone.  It is none of your business, you are not their pastor, they are not following you, and you don’t have to answer for them.  Look to your own affairs and quit being a busybody. 

The second story is all too familiar.  A preacher of a large ministry preaches for someone who is a shade or two lighter than what the rabid fundamentalists think he should be.  Therefore that preacher is now ostracized from the pack.  Out you liberal, out you compromisor, out you fiend, out you enemy of the cross, out you vagabond, you water muddier, you fool, you ecclesiastical nomad, you fence jumper, you ingrate, you spitter in the face of the fundamental giants, you stomper on the KJV, you backslider, backpeddler, backstabber, spineless morphing capitulator, out out ourf ruff ruff owwwwooooooo errrrrrrr ruff ruuuuff grrrrrrr out out out!  That’s right, bark you rabid doggies bark. 

You gotta watch those shady fence jumpers, its not like they wear a sign you know!

This unrighteous malcontent preacher still preaches the same message of the gospel, still preaches the same good old KJV, still preaches with fervor, style, and a self developed flare that some of those rabids used to eat whole in one bite, but he  started doing it with the “wrong” crowd, which used to be the right crowed before they started being friends with the wrong crowd who used to be the right crowd, and so on and so forth ad infinitum.  Interestingly enough, this same flip flopper has been that way for over 30 years.  Here is some unsolicited advice for him; keep preaching that gospel truth brother, let those rabid fundamentalists bark, they are just revealing themselves for who they really are.

One more quick story. (and this will really make the rabids foam at their pinchy little mouths.)  Recently a co-pastor was exposed for the villainous slime that he is and has been for years.  He was caught with his hand in the cookie jar as they say.  It seems that Jr. was secretly video tapping women as they changed clothes in his office.  The other co-pastor who is Jr.’s daddy, denies any wrongdoing on Jr.’s part.  In fact daddy incredulously claims that many people had access to Jr.’s office and anyone could have put that video camera there.  However Jr. is clearly seen on the video adjusting the camera.  The police say the tape is evidence of a chargeable crime, but the statute of limitations has expired so no charges will be filed.  Daddy says Jr. is a fine upstanding man of God who is too smart and logical to get involved in such goings on.  I say add another sex criminal’s name to the cadre of graduates who coincidentally come from the same rabid fundamentalist factory in Indiana. (but that’s another story)  Soon the hue and cry will come for supporters to flock to the side of this young man and declare they are 100% Hyles I mean 100% Jr.  Here is some more unsolicited advise: put Jr. on the unemployment line and be 100% Jesus for a change!

Rabid fundamentalists are like rabid dogs in one other way.  They cause pain to those who must deal with them.  Yes, Old Yeller, was a fine dog;  brave, useful, honest, loving, strong, thoughtful, friendly, and trustworthy.  Old Yeller got the rabies, and he had to be shot.  Now I am not advocating shooting rabid fundamentalists, but I am advocating putting them down.  Do you know one?  Get him or her (yes friends ladies are not immune to the ravages of rabies) out of your life.  Make it quick, like ripping an old band-aid off a puss filled wound.  Sure it might hurt for a minute or two, but you gotta change that old bandage, or you might become infected too.


6 responses to “Rabid Fundamentalists

  1. Now that is some magnificent journalism.

  2. I think your next hateful pontification should include why you had to leave the pastorate. I think that would be interesting reading. Because it seems like you should be more focused on getting your life together than setting fundamentalism straight. Just a thought.

    • I approved this comment because I wanted everyone to see a clear cut case in point. To respond to Mr. Me, who hides behind anonimity, I will say this. I did not have to leave the pastorate. I suppose the only reason you think it would be interesting reading is so that you can have something else to gossip about. Since you are probably gossiping about it already, go ahead and bark doggie bark. A man who was once my friend was fond of saying: “If you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that barks is the one that got hit.” So bark doggie bark. Thank you for being a good and timely example of a Rabid Fundamentalist. I would imagine that Mr. Me didn’t think I would have the guts to approve his comment, but guess again Mr. Me. As far as me, my family and my life are concerned, I am quite sure you are quite in the dark, but suffice it to say that perhaps instead of berating and offending me you should be praying for me. Or if you are a “friend,” or “Christian brother” you should at the very least acquire some knowledge from the source, and not listen to the talebearers who are also quite in the dark.

  3. brother and sister Hall

    Amen, brother!

  4. Fundamentalism is heresy, the only true Christian religion is found in the Methodist teachings of John Wesley and only though Methodism can one attain (as I have) Christian Perfection.

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