We Can Still Hope for the Mayan Apocalypse

Gloom, despair, and agony oh me, deep dark depression, excessive misery…

I always hated He Haw!

If that is how you are feeling since the election I am commiserating with you.  Romney the Magical Mormon didn’t get the job done against the Magic Negro. (Magic Negro is a term coined by David Eherenstien of the L.A. Times, and is not meant as a racial slur.)  Once again the G.O.P. has dropped the ball and conservatives have egg dripping off their chins on to their stiffly starched shirts.

The pundits are giving us all kinds of reasons for the defeat including but not limited too: Hurricane Sandy, Evangelicals stayed home and Conservatives stayed home.  They are telling us we either shot ourselves in the foot, or Americans are so fickle that a storm changed the minds of millions about the election.

I want to look at this in a more rational light.  Why did Romney the Magical Mormon lose this election?  The bottom line is he did not get his message out, and the message he had was not strong enough.  Romney did a fantastic job in the first debate but then coasted in the other two debates.  Instead of pouncing on the embattled Obama he coyly ruffled the President’s hair and tried to be the father figure Obama never had.  Instead of cramming Obama’s record down his throat like Paul Sheldon crammed his final Misery novel down Annie Wilks throat, he spoon fed Obama’s record to him like a little baby boy, not forgetting to wipe the excess off his chin with his bib, microfiber because it is so very soft.

He didn’t get outta the cock-a-doodie car!

Romney decided to run a nice guy campaign.  While Obama was accusing Romney of being a “Vulture” Capitalist, Romney remained silent, when Obama said Romney belonged in prison because of his taxes, Romney remained silent, when Obama said Romney let some woman die of cancer, Romney remained silent, when Obama killed an ambassador and three other brave Americans, Romney remained silent, when Obama put out false unemployment numbers in October, Romney remained silent, when Obama gave billions to alternative energy corporations that contributed to Obama’s campaign and went bankrupt, Romney remained silent, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. (by the way, it is eT-cetera not eXcedra or however some of you mis-say it!)

President Obama gave Candidate Romney more than enough ammunition to defeat President Obama and become President Romney, but Candidate Romney refused to fire a single shot at President Obama; proving once again the old adage, nice guys finish last.  Mormons are terminally nice and we were duped into nominating the nice Mormon as the G.O.P. candidate.  In the words of the famous golfing rocker, No More Mr. Nice Guy.  Next time around we had better nominate a head bashing hard-core conservative and not a soft-spoken Ward Cleaver type candidate.  But….we probably will nominate some Mitt Romney, John McCain, Bob Dole loser type, who will be just conservative enough to satisfy a portion of the conservative Republicans but not too conservative to alienate the moderate and liberal Republicans.

Some would say the Republicans have started to take steps down a more moderate road, but this is not true.  The Republicans have jumped into a Toyota Prius and jammed the accelerator through the floor board down the liberal superhighway.  It is preposterous to think that Republicans can regain power by becoming Democrats.  The Republican party needs an enema, make that a colonic.  In the words of my father this needs to happen not in six months not in two years but right now.

Republicans like Lindsey Graham, Saxby Chambliss, and John Boehner need to go, and go now, but they won’t.  They will continue to roll over and give Obama their soft under belly to eviscerate.  Take heart my Conservative friends we always have the Mayan Apocalypse, and it is less than a month away!

Oh well, maybe next year…


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